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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

i dislike instructions

i can't follow instructions, i can't bare to read instructions, nothing can get me excited about a pamphlet of small words and tiny illustrations, and spanish instructions on the back. nothing.

this instruction problem is a deep root problem, i can't follow recipes, or any kind of pattern, but... i have a great sense of direction which is helpful if i can't follow someone's driving directions. I would rather put a bookshelf together by winging it, who cares if there's an extra screw or two. ;) In the end I have a short attention span and apparently believe my way of cooking, knitting, building is better than theirs... This philosophy of mine changes though as soon as someone else is building something, then I think... why don't you look at the instructions, that's what they are there for afterall...

see i would think i'm not alone after all my dads growing up and their lack of enthusiasm for instructions on replacing sinks, fixing brakes, and so forth. but maybe there are those who enjoy a big book of instructions, i am just not one of them, nor do i know anyone like this.

my canon S1IS died on Christmas Eve, i had no pictures, and was quite upset. it turns out that it was a recall with their CCD sensor. so they replaced it for free... with a brand new S5IS, basically i went from the lowest grade, to their newest grade, for free. i love canon, they have great customer service, and i could say i love my new camera but i can't figure out where the memory card goes, nor how to do a double strap for the camera, while i know this is all in my manual.... i just have not mustered the energy to unwrap the instructions from plastic. but the camera is out, batteries in and ive played with the zoom etc and i am sooo happy. :D

so to the point... ill have an update soon, i actually have pictures i want to share, and stuff of that nature, but it all takes time to get off of j's camera (i borrowed it for ari's birthday), and then read some instructions of my own.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

12:37 am

Sitting up awake, I really should be up in bed, reading and dozing off. But I'm having a hard time shutting my mind off. Just taking in all that has come to pass. In the end, I am held responsible for my actions/reactions, not what my husband has or hasn't done. He's accountable for his. So what do I do with this life?

I've been mulling things over so much that I feel like a dog chasing it's tail. Running in a circle, with no way out, no turns to take. I kept asking myself, and asking God, what do I want... and I realized the other day, that it's not about what "I" want, that's how all well-intentioned people fall. I don't even know what I want, but trying to figure out what He wants, well... I just don't have the answer yet. So I figure in the end, I will have more patience, because this has been very drawn out, and patience is good, right?

We were gifted with feelings, and they can be great! We can be compassionate, and have empathy, and yet, on the same toss, we can be angry, jealous, and have lust. It's feelings that cloud what is right and what is wrong. The bible is clear, it's black and white, it's straight forward. We take feelings into play and we begin to fade that black to gray and give excuses, and allow ourselves to fall.

How do I feel? I feel downright physically, mentally, spiritually exhausted, I do not want to ever go through 2007 or anything similar, ever again in my life. The fear, worry, panic, I can't even describe it; the feelings aren't that far under the surface. I know in time that I will be more healed then I already have been, just need to keep trusting, and allowing for that healing to take place.

He says sometimes that he wants to work on the marriage, but I know he's not in the right place. I am not ok being second best to someone else (other than God as I should be placed after Him). I should not be asked to be ok with that; I can't pretend otherwise.

My kids need a father, they do not need a shell of one, a half-hearted man, that's spirit is dead, that's path is lost and dark; who is too foolish to turn on his own flashlight.

When do you say, enough is enough! When do you say enough time has gone, enough decisions made. Even making no decision is the same as making one. When do you move on, and see what else is out there in this big world? I wanted to go through all of this with no regrets, know that I gave my all, and that I did it with a heart for God. But in the end, I don't think we can have no "regrets" or "I could of done this instead..." you know what they say about hindsight.

The sad thing is that I know, with all my being that our marriage could be revived, that it could be better than ever before. But what it requires of him, he's not ready to give. How long do I wait? Saying goodbye is never easy, but sometimes it just seems necessary.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Family Video taking over the world...

or maybe just my small time town. We've lost many of our video rentals and the culprit behind the scenes is Family Video. Their policies and lack of late return fees has beaten out Blockbuster, and is causing some other places to close doors. I don't rent movies, not for lack of want, but generally lack of memory. Memory it requires to go to a rental store, memory to know what movies looked good, and memory to return the flicks when done. My Dad participates in Blockbusters knock off Netflix plan, and he enjoys it because he can do it by mail or go to his local blockbuster to swap out movies. A few months ago I thought that sounded kind of nice. So I go to check it out at ours, and it's gone. This was back in the summer, so many months ago. But, I just found out why they closed, so now I know.

And though its not relevant, Family Video has a really suck softball team. ;) Jeremy's team kicked their butts. Not just that but Family Video ended the season in last place, but the dudes were named Larry and Eugene, and well... this is why I'm panicking on what to name this new little blossom of mine. Eek. A name is important. ;)

I got my broken camera shipped off to Canon, now let's see how great their customer service is. I believe its apart of their recall - CCD sensor. They paid postage and all of that good stuff. UPS was great to deal with, love all those free packing peanuts. I should hear something or receive my camera back fixed or replaced in 7-10 days, I shipped Monday. Here's hoping, I hate not having a camera.

I'm finally knitting again which feels good, normal and like me. I tried making my own cable baby pattern, but I messed up on my cable, and just frogged. I'll do it again, but decided I want to knit Anouk. I'm also knitting a bootie/beanie set for my friend due in April.

My dad and his family are coming into town this weekend, so we will hit the hotel and do some swimming, what every pregnant woman loves. Or maybe it's just me who doesn't love getting in a suit while preggers. *shrug* Ill do it for my kids though, it's not about me, it's about them, and having fun. They are thrilled though, and I should be getting my stove fixed, woot! Just in time to bake Ari her birthday cupcakes and pancakes.

It feels good to be back in the normal schedule of our life, and out of the holiday season. Here's hoping next years holidays bring more cheer, but I'm glad this one is past and that it's not Christmas every day.

I have my designs added to my profile at ravelry now, if you have used my patterns before, you can now link them to the pattern. ravelry design page.

Friday, January 11, 2008

it's a baby....

Well I had my ultrasound at the beginning of January, and for the first time, I found out if it was a boy or a girl. I was really torn and on the fence with finding out, I was afraid it would ruin the delivery, and while I have obviously not done that yet, I have to say so far I'm very happy that I found out. It means I can shop gender specific, instead of yellows and greens, and I can knit in the same fashion.

Here is a snapshot of my little one. At the time of the ultrasound I was 17 weeks and the weight was 8 ounces... the size of cream cheese. awww.

As for if it's a he or a she, it looked pretty clear that there was some lacking.

So more than likely, May I will have some adorable booties to put on a babe.

The list of patterns in my favs on ravelry is out of this world, considering it was one late night binge of pattern scrounging. I haven't been up to knitting since Jeremy moved out in October, and this has revived my desire to actually knit again, it feels nice to have that normalcy back.

Now on to the kids' reactions. Aislyn knew without a doubt it was a girl, because apparently she always gets what she wants. ;) So she was not the least bit surprised. Arianna was hoping for a boy for her brother, and while she was sad for him, she didn't seem to upset about another sister to be chums with. William who desperately desired a brother was crestfallen at first. He had the absolute saddest face I've ever seen him have before, he's been praying for a brother for over a year!

Remember this photo from August, of William and his "brother" a broken in two robot.

I feel sad for the little guy that he didn't end up having a brother, it would of been nice if their prayer for a twins - boy and girl, had come true. I don't feel sad that I'm having a girl, just sad that William doesn't get that brotherly bond that he so badly wanted. But he's a lovebug, and is completely happy over having another sister now, poor dude is outnumbered by girls, 1 to 4.

I'm excited to see how my family has come together, and what I have been blessed with, I'm curious to see how their dynamics grow and change over the coming years, and for the rest of their lives. I hope they have a strong bond that lasts.

And with that, I'm out. It hurts my back to sit at the computer much so I avoid it when possible.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

I thought I should sit down and write an update since it's been awhile. I haven't wanted to write an update because I feel like negative nelly, I've been having a hard time, in a funk, low in spirits... what-have-you. And I didn't want to write a post in that frame of mind.

Holidays were hard; it's difficult to describe, other than lonely and alone. I'm really not impressed with this place I'm at in my life, I don't feel like I'm in despair, don't get me wrong. I have things that are such a joy, and I am so grateful for my blessings and those that I do have in my life. It's just a really hard place to be, to make the right, good decisions I need to make, to be the ONLY adult in a house, to take care of the kids, take care of the house, and EVERYTHING is falling apart... seriously. :( I don't want to even walk in the kitchen, who knows what will be wrong next. Stove is out, and now my freezer.. seriously, you can't make this stuff up.

I just want to be pitiful and be weak, and cry. But really, I can't.... well I could, but what does that accomplish. I have to keep trucking along, and it just seems that everything around me is falling apart, I feel like Dorothy and the tornado just sweeping everything away.

I know that I will be stronger at the end of this, and that things will work out as they are meant too, but some days when you are in the middle, it just seems so endless, like a dark tunnel with no light at the end. I have so many unknowns before me, and I don't know how to play my pieces or which path to take. Everything is so unclear to me, and I feel restless with this decision I have before me. What is the right thing to do!?! What is in His plan for me and my children?

I have so much going on and in my thoughts lately, that it's hard to form them into complete thoughts without taking way too much typing. So I'll end here for today, we are all alive and healthy, a great blessing.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

photo update

Why not share recent events in pictures! So how about some photos. :)

We had pictures taken for mom/dad for Christmas, here are some I just snapped with my photo, Ill have ones from my SIL who did the photos, after Monday. Why yes, it was freezing! Poor Ais cried during the group photo :( and the entire way home. She has very low tolerance for the cold, I don't believe I can even take her sledding this year.

The last day of soccer, photos were not great quality to say the least, but what can ya do.

This one makes me giggle, it makes me think of the 80's flick - "Lost Boys" with Keifer Sutherland as a vampire. LOL.

The kids acting goofy while I bought some cappuccinos before photos, Erika was getting them all excited.

Arianna and I went through my Holiday Cookie/Bars cookbook, to decide what to bake for Christmas, that girl filled a note page worth of goodies. I'll have to narrow it down a smidge, I'd actually like to leave the kitchen before Christmas. ;)

I need to come up with some organization for keeping things in order, mostly mundane things like laundry, dishes, sweep/mop, baths for the rascals. And then I need to follow it. Organization I think could be a good resource for me, to keep from feeling so overwhelmed with all that has to go on.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

if i had 3 wishes...

they really aren't worth verbalizing or in this case, writing down, since most of my wishes can't come true. for instance, it'd be nice to know the future. wouldn't do any great good to know anyway, especially if it was just more ick down the road. ;) silver lining keeps you going some days.

i feel blue today, as much as possible I was able to get into the christmas spirit with the kids, but it will soon be over, and just long months of freezing, short days lay ahead. i look forward to having a baby bump though and the kids being able to feel the baby move, all of that will be exciting.

it's just hard to let go, and im so tired of hurting.

Monday, December 10, 2007

to love?

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Did I post that before? I feel like I did, but I don't see it in my quick scanning. Maybe I'm repeating myself, wouldn't be the first time. Or maybe I intended to, but never did, which has also been known to happen.

Simply put, there is what the bible describes as love, in a verse that many know but don't really dissect. Personally I was the same, it wasn't until everything fell out in my life, that I actually understood, and put into practice this verse. If you notice, love is not... warm fuzzies, lust, being "in love" (I don't even get what that means)... in short.

God is love.
He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. (1 John 4:8)
God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. (1 John 4:16)

And God is long-suffering. And for us to abide in God, and be love, we in turn become long-suffering. I really like this song by Toby Mac, kind of along the same lines.

"Everyone of us will fall
Have our backs against the wall
And everyone shares a need to be loved

You've always been for me
So I will be for you
That's just what it means to love"

A lot of people don't have that kind of love, it's not just feelings, its actions, its a decision, a choice. Who will you serve? How will you live? What choices will you make? We know what is right, but do we do it?

My husband lives in darkness, it's actually really sad to see, but it's his choice. He doesn't need to be where he is, or do what he does, but he chooses too. He doesn't know what to do, or what he will even do... but the thing is. Even doing nothing, is a choice. It will be a sad day when he realizes all that he has thrown away, for something that isn't even real, that not only was fleeting, but is already gone.

As for all of this, I'm doing pretty well. I feel closer in my relationship with the Lord, then I have ever felt, I can't describe it, and I pray for God to hold me near, because I know it's my nature to be wayward, and to stray. I don't want to though.

Things that seemed so daunting in the past, Christmas morning without him here... suddenly seem less lonely. It's almost a new year, and I know in the end, no matter what happens, that everything will be ok. It may not be the way I want it, but I am open to whatever lays ahead.

As for the kiddos! My little man, is FIVE! He had his birthday the other day, and I just can't believe that the little cookie monster is five years old! Where does the time go? I can still remember things so clearly about his birth, and time in the hospital, like it was just days ago, not years. He had a good birthday, we made Monster Cookies, and we all went out to Chuck E Cheese, per usual.

I didn't want to be a single mom to all of these kids, but I will, and I will do the best that I can, which is all any of us can really do.

One of my favorite Christmas songs, you'd have to click it to hear the whole thing since they clip it, I can't find it online with sound quality as good.

Monday, December 03, 2007

-something clever-

I've been meaning to share this but keep forgetting. My mom shared this with me over Thanksgiving, it cracks me up, its soooo true. *sigh* Such repetitive work being a mom.

A friend shared this magical link with me.... magic 8 ball Do not mock! I'm a little bummed at some of the results. It said I would not throw up yesterday, and I didn't. For today it said maybe, it could of said yes. I keep saying the baby is just all messed up, and didn't get the message, that there is no sickness in trimester 2. ;) I'm sure it's a girl, just cause of the nausea. To add that I would be more than happy with ether, in case it comes off that I'm *hoping* one way, I'm really not.

I have a short list of boys names from sometime ago... not any girl names that I love. I found this neat baby site Baby Name World, which has some neat features to it. Still no name, I have a long time (May), but Ais didn't have a name until a few weeks before her birth, I'd rather not repeat that, lol.

The kids are SOOO excited, Ari keeps asking, tomorrow? before Christmas? For when the baby will be born. I told her not for a long time, my belly needs to get big like my sister's did, before it's even getting close. She prayed that night for patience to wait for the baby to be ready.

Ais had a conversation with me this morning where she told me that baby chickens came from chicken bums. I asked if human babies came from bums, she said no... thought for a minute, then laughed and said yes. All things technical are lost on a three year old, lol. Oh and if you didn't know, the Magic 8 Ball said I have the cutest kids in the world. I would agree. :D

Nothing too exciting going on in these parts. We watched Ratatouille, had pizza, got the tree decorated, took some naps. We had an ice storm all day Saturday and into Sunday morningish. The kids Christmas Party was canceled so we went to Target, did some shopping like crazy-folks, lol. Ran into some others from church, I think they didn't get the notice, and thought Starbucks sounded good too! They have very yummy Mint Hot Cocoa, so good!

Tomorrow I should be getting the Christmas shopping done, well most of it for the kids anyway, Kris is planning to come with, so it will be nice to go shopping, without kids, and with an adult! A lot of things I miss about being in a relationship, and adult conversation is definitely one of them.

ho hum, not much else to say, sad to say. i wish i had red licorice.

Read November 2007 >>