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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

do you hear what i hear?

That was recorded this morning, 168 beats per minute.

Wow that was a long wait, I don't know how we did that with the other kids. I've known for quite sometime, the kids just found out today however. And most family and friends that live locally know the news already too... somebody felt the need to spread the news even after they were told to keep it a secret.

The kids are thrilled, they all wanted to know what it was, which I don't know, nor will I be finding out. Hence my awful morning sickness, I've been so nauseous, and tired. It's hard keeping up with everything in this state.

The due date is June 12th, and the c-section will be scheduled around 37-38 weeks. I'll have an ultrasound on Jan. 2nd to confirm my dates to make sure we don't under cook the little one. ;) That will be somewhere around the end of May then, crazy far away, but I'm sure it will speed by relatively quick. I'm super excited, and think babies are such a blessing, so while the circumstances aren't what I would of hoped for, I'm still so happy to be the mama of this new little one. I always wanted 4-5 kids, and I think this will be great. :) I just need to find a way to get a minivan now, holy cow! LOL And I'd like to find another kid or so to bring in for daycare, so that I can stay home just a bit longer to raise this next one. Prayers for all of this to go well would be very appreciated, because looking at some of these hurdles in worldly eyes, it seems impossible. But I know it's not! I just don't see how it will work out from where I'm at.

As for telling the kids, I'm going to just c/p what I posted elsewhere already.

When we got home, I told them to sit on the couch and that I had a secret to tell them. I told them the secret was on the camera, and I asked if they wanted to know. They were all excited, not a clue in their head LOL. I had them listen to the heartbeat on the camera, and asked them what they thought it was.

Ari said it sounded like a horse galloping, and William said it sounded like a truck, lol. Ais said she didn't know. I don't remember what I said, but I got their minds thinking of the body, and Ari said heartbeat. I said yep it is, but it's not mine! She was laughing and like well whose is it? I told her the heartbeat came from my tummy. And then she was like WHAT!!! You're having a BABY!!! She was so happy she cried. [image] She has this hysterical laugh that leads to big watery eyes, so sweet.

Aislyn was super duper excited too, and kept trying to stick her head into my shirt to "see" it [image] and William was like I hope its a boy!

It was funny, almost instantly Arianna goes I hope its a boy, William too, and Ais is like GIRL! I want a GIRL! [image] Then they all looked to me... so what is it? I told them they have a lonnng wait.

We went through the pregnancy magazine that has the photos of the babies month by month, and showed them the entire thing. I would look at the 4 months, and say this will be the baby by Christmas, and 5 months, this will be the baby at Arianna's birthday, etc. etc. So the kids really liked that, gave them more of a grasp of the LONNG time they have to wait.

Still a bit after finding out they are all like "I cant believe iittttt!"

Arianna did have some concerns pretty quickly, who will take care of them when Im in the hospital, who will be with me when Im in the hospital (Ais volunteered, cutie). She wanted to know if her Dad knew, and she wanted to know why he didn't care, since he must not care about the new baby by his actions.

But after answering her concerns, she's back to being over the moon.

Now Christmas tree pictures, we invited Mike, Kris and Miss Aayla to join us this year, and it went really well. :)

my little family at our tree of choice, and dylan too, incase you wondered about the extra youngin. :)

Mandatory Hot Chocolate with Cookies Picture, I want to find my old ones, maybe this week I will to compare them. :)

Miss Aayla, growing so big!

Then a perty picture of the sunset over the trees.

Casting Crowns new song is released, Slow Fade. I really like the message with this (heck what song do they sing that the message isn't great?). This is something I've really started working on since J left, I needed to be the example for the kids, and to do that, I needed to have my heart where it belonged. The best way to do that is surround myself with thoughts on him, including the music I listen to, and what I/we watch. Let me say, Ive been 100x happier, truly!

Whew! That's a BIG update! Now I gotta get the kids ready for Wednesday night church :)

Sunday, November 25, 2007

old habits die hard?

Isn't that what they say... but doesn't it seem good habits just die instantly. I charged my batteries up, all ready to start photographing my kiddos again, and I didn't take one picture the entire Thanksgiving weekend. None of sweet Landon, or my kids, none of the food me and my ma slaved over while the men went hunting... oh the chore involved for them! *rolling eyes*

We are getting our Christmas tree sometime soonish, we are going with Kris and her family. It didn't work out to go last year, so this will be fun! The place we go is just so neat, IMO, they have the cookies, and cocoa, and wood burning hut, and then of course a Santa to traumatize small children, lol. What is Christmas without a big scary, fat man to make the babies cry. ;) I vow to take pictures and bring my camera... I hope.

Otherwise not too much for excitement going on here. I am sooo ready to feel better, bleh. I spend most of my time home chilling with the kids and watching holiday shows because its all I have the energy for. I visit the docs on Wednesday, that should be fun. Slight sarcasm, slight truth. lol. This is a really busy week with everyone I know visiting doctors. My sister, Erika could use some prayers after some lab work came back with some pre-cancerous cells. It seems it is fairly common when I checked around online, but its not like prayers and good thoughts could harm her.

Don't you enjoy watching Christmas shows, with the shopping in places like NYC and Boston, and how magical it all seems. Snow flakes falling, carolers singing, big beautiful displays, lots of lights.... man that is not what winter is like. It's cold, its bitter, it makes her your fingers freeze, and if you are nuts like me, you shake so badly you feel ill... I hear that Boston is a magical place for Christmas, I would not know from personal experience. I know that in movies, most of it is staged, with toasty actors that walk around in the winter with thin walking coats.

CF is having some holiday festivities though and I'm mulling the idea of taking the kids out there, they are having a horse drawn sleigh, and I know I would enjoy that, and I can't imagine the kids wouldn't. Unless we got frostbit... that wouldn't be cool.

I really like the first two lines of the song by Aaron Shust. I really like the way his voice sounds there in the first few lines. The rest of the song is good too, of course, but those two lines, goood. For me anyway lol. ;)
"I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned"

As for emotions with everything going on, I'm doing pretty well. Truly, and from the bottom of my heart, I do as well as I am, by the grace of God. Truly. And I realize not everyone can claim that, or even begin to understand. The work that He has done in my life, and with my children has been such a blessing, others around us can actually visually see it. How great that is! After he left, I prayed for God to carry us through this hard time, to bless me with wisdom. I had been reading in Proverbs on wisdom, and how it's said right there that those who ask of it, it shall be granted. I know it'd be great to have the verse but I'm running short on time.

But I did find this article really quick on wisdom and how it's one of our greatest needs (aside apart from salvation of course).

Quoted from the article:
"Wisdom is the ability to see life and its circumstances from Godâ€™s perspective."

I feel very humbled by this experience in my life, and very blessed despite the circumstances that surround me. The fact that I can wake up without delay in the morning, and laugh, smile, and sing songs, and feel so uplifted, is such a testament to His Glory, and work in my life.

Monday, November 19, 2007

a sweet moment

Each night I read devotions to the kids, Keys for Kids. Arianna especially loves it, the others it depends, they don't have the biggest attention spans. So tonight we read the section "Prayer Power" and it has some prayers from kids around the US.

An idea of a few of the prayer requests:

For a mom with kidney disease
For a dad with leukemia
For a dad choosing an ungodly path
For a friend to not move away
For a church to grow

Arianna said to me, "I pray for them that they can have a happy life like us."

Despite everything going on in her life. I love that girl, she shines so bright.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

what a mess!

Who knew that the verse above would have such meaning for this year. I look back at 2006 (which you can't cause it's not up anymore lol), but my life was so much different, everything that has come to pass was not even a flicker in my mind.

I swear, sometimes I need to pinch myself to realize that this is chaotic mess is not a nightmare, but my real life. What a mess. You never think that the man you marry will suddenly become Mr Hyde... while not quite as eccentric, he really has become a stranger. When he left I cried to my mama, telling her how it felt like he had died. It still feels that way, the man that walks around self-involved, is not who I married. Makes me ache for my babies. :( They deserved better.

The kids had soccer today, and tomorrow there is this Turkey Ball thing, where kids come with a parent and throw 10 free throws, the team with the most at the end wins a free turkey or ham. Ari really wanted to do this, she asked her Dad, who couldn't give her the time of day. So my s.dad is going to do this with her. She is thrilled. I'm so glad that he is willing to come out and do this with her, it means a lot. It's not like I couldn't do this, but it means a lot to have a male figure in her life, whether her dad, or grandpa.

Soccer was weird, it's at my old middle school, which was a little crazy to revisit. I hadn't been in the gym since the 8th grade, I've been in the commons for homecoming dances in high school and while on the high school swim team we used their pool, of course they have the best stadium in town, and I saw a lot of football games there. High school was a pretty decent time in my life, good and bad life experiences, but what ain't?

I've had so much drama this past week, I seriously wouldn't know where to begin. It is SO hard to do the right thing in life. Constantly being tested, and when you think you are onto something, you get stabbed in the back and betrayed. I suddenly find myself back on the outs with the "inlaws" who knew it'd be so short lived. It's strange when you do something dreadful and wrong, everyone around you can see it, but you think it's ok. It goes for my husband, and his family and what they have done. There is no logic, there is no love, or peace, or good will toward fellow people.

I finally got around to charging my camera batteries, so I suppose I'll have an update in the future that has photos. I've been soo sick, that we haven't done much of anything fun. The kids had a cold a bit back too, thankfully they are all better.

Sometimes I think being a turtle would be nice, a good little durable shell to poke my head into and hide. ;) Ari hides like an ostrich in the morning. I go to wake the goof up, and she's always hiding her head under the pillow like she can escape me. I'm so grateful to have these great kids, I hope I can do good by them.

This morning we were driving and Ari said, "I want to be just like you when I grow up." I told her to be better than me, I really hope that for them all.

I got the food bought and menu planned for Thanksgiving. We'll be spending Wednesday night at my mom and dads to prepare and hang out, and then the morning cooking. This will be my first time helping my mom cook Thanksgiving dinner in YEARS. Gosh, my freshman, sophomore year of high school??? I really can't remember for sure, we went to TN a time or two.

Neighborhood dogs are going crazy, I hate that, like there are prowlers around. And there have been rather recently, so it's not just my overactive imagination.

It's 8 o'clock on a Saturday night, and it means absolutely nothing in my life, heh.

Meant to add this but it slipped my mind. This is a really intense video, imo, kind of hard to watch, but I thought the message was worth it.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

holiday season

I am starting to feel a tentative anticipation for the holidays. There are parts to it that will be really, really hard. Mostly Christmas Eve when the kids are with J. I can't really think about it, it upsets me too much. But I have Thanksgiving with them and that is coming up quickly. Not sure yet where we are headed, I should probably get that sorted out shortly. I can't believe how fast and slow time is going by. This entire year has been like molasses, but in the same sense, it feels like so much time's been wasted.

We spent the night at my moms on Friday, and had a nice time out there. Mom made chicken pot pie, which is always great. We stayed up until 2am watching crime biographies, lol. Not my general choice of tv, but very interesting. I haven't stayed up until 2 am since September. Saturday we went to see The Bee movie with a bunch of J's family, and the kids LOVED it. I thought it was good too. It was a pretty busy weekend, today we just chilled back, hit church/sunday school in the a.m. and then napped, and watched the Polar Express.

Today's church was entirely on updates from missionaries, I think that work is just fascinating. I read a novel in high school one time about some true stories, and I've been enthralled ever since then. I used to ask J if he'd ever want to do that when the kids got older, anyone who knows him can guess that answer. I do think it'd be a great challenge.

A few recipes I found tonight, while on my never ending search for a main dish for Bible Study. Generally not a big issue, but absolutely nothing sounds good in the least. I found this pie I'm considering trying for Thanksgiving, when I asked the kids what they wanted me to make, I heard a unified "APPLE PIE" shout. Funny, since I like apple pie, but rarely make it. I haven't made it in say, 5 years. I'm thinking of making this Spice Apple and Pear Pie. I made this caramel apple pie several times with great success.

And the last recipe in my window before I can close it out is a Spiced Pumpkin Cake with Citrus Icing.

Nothing to do but throw myself into the holiday spirit by watching Christmas Shows, Just finished Polar Express with the kids tonight, and have The Santa Clause 1&2 on tape, and of course you can't have the holidays without Charlie Brown and The Christmas Story. I'd love to pick up those DVD's of the classics of Rudolph and so on.

Gotta go tuck the kids in now that they are finished brushing their teeth, and putting pj's on... slow pokes. ;)

Sunday, November 04, 2007

oh my

all the choices you have when you are starting everything over! Seriously! I don't know what to do. I've been reading online about other single moms and how they support their kids, and the jobs they do, and there is so much out there. And it all comes down to how I want to support the kids, and the kind of market there is for that career path.

I'm getting all set up at the local college, and all, Ill be doing the gen eds this spring term. It gets me moving at least, but at the same time, I still have time before I lock into a path, or if I decide to go another route. My choices and options are numerous, I just don't know which path to take. I'll take insight anyone has to offer.

In sad news, J's grandpa passed away last night. It was sudden and very unexpected. William shared his birthday with him, and we just did the family pictures because Grandma was adamant that they needed done this year (past years it was just talked about). It's hard to believe that someone is just gone, just like that. Even though this isn't the first time, it's the first in a while that didn't have sickness leading up to the death. This puts grandma in a hard place, she may need to go into a nursing home because of her health. They've been getting their home in shape over the past few years, they've lived there almost their entire married life.

I don't see how all of these things can go on in the world, and just really open my eyes to so much, and yet it seems J doesn't get it. He doesn't get anything. I don't understand.

Friday, November 02, 2007

i like this one too

makes me cry, i think its a beautiful song.

Read October 2007 >>